Today I am feeling better than I have been since the last chemo. I finished my last chemotherapy on Friday, and that is such a huge relief. Besides being my last one, it was also my hardest one both mentally and physically. Every chemo has been difficult, but this one definitely takes the cake.
During the actual treatment, my throat and chest started getting itchy and tight, I started getting heat flashes, I was hungry but my stomach was hurting and cramping at the same time, and I became exhausted and really irritable. My lovely friends had to wet paper towels and put them all over my face, arms and legs, while feeding me pretzels and saltines. The aftermath of it was bad in a different way. Apparently, I worried my family and friends quite a bit. On Saturday, I was on the couch for part of the day and then shut myself in my room for the rest of it. I was lying in bed with the air conditioner on full blast with the lights off and my shades down. I just wanted to be alone. I wasn't feeling good and even just hearing someone else's voice gave me a headache. On Sunday I woke up at 2 pm and felt a little bit better but still not great. I watched Netflix and Hulu all day long and took care of my angel Bella, who is currently on antibiotics for Lyme disease. On Monday I felt a little better and took the day to relax, eat and do some laundry before I headed back into the city.
Besides feeling physically sick, I've also been feeling mentally exhausted and anxious. It can be so hard to put on a brave face all the time. It's tiring! I never want to worry someone unless it is truly necessary. I know, I know, It's cancer! Quite worrisome, but you know what I mean. I don't like to complain unless I'm really not feeling good and I don't like asking for help unless I really need it. My brave face can finally rest. After that last chemo I feel like my body finally said, "Enough! I'm done, I can finally fall apart!" And oh how it has. My body and my mind finally gave in.
After that last chemo, a lot of new thoughts and emotions came flooding in. Happiness that I'm done, fear of the future, uncertainty since my life will now be changing yet again and many more. I am so happy and blessed to be done with chemo and I am so excited to move forward, but there are so many questions as to how. I still need to book my implant surgery date and there are just so many things I want to do! I want to make music, I want to tour, I want to record, where do I start?!
I allowed myself a few days to rest and feel all of these different emotions. Today I decided enough is enough. I took control and decided to sort out my mind and my life. After my last show at Rockwood Music Hall, I felt so incredible and happy. All of the support I received was such an amazing way to send me off into my last chemo! I really want that feeling back. So, today I am taking steps to move forward. I've been sending out emails to blogs, websites, and collaborators, AND I got the masters back for my newest single (which will be released soon!!!) Today I booked a date to record a new song, today I booked a date to record a music video, today I am pushing forward. Today I am thankful to be alive, today I am thankful to be strong and resilient, today I am thankful to everyone who has helped me get here.
Having cancer for the second time has really put things into perspective for me. I want that feeling that I got after my show, every day. I want that for the rest of my life, and I already knew I did before all of this happened, but now I am more determined than ever to have it. Life is too short to settle for anything less, so I am going to go forth and work my ass off (sorry for the language mom) for what I want.
**Now that I'm done with chemo, I have to continue with two other IV medications that I've been on (Herceptin and Perjeta.) I have to continue getting these for the next year, but it's once every three weeks, thank goodness!**
Thank you to everyone for your incredible love and support. I truly could not have done this without you. I feel so thankful and so blessed to have you in my life.
This is the gofundme page my lovely friend, MC has made for me. It has been so helpful with credit card and medical bills, so thank you so much to everyone who has contributed! Any amount helps: