Tonight is the night before another procedure. As I lie here writing, I am reflecting on my past, and looking towards the future. Tomorrow I am going in to have eggs removed and stored so that I may have the possibility of having children in the future. It's a minor procedure, I only have to go under for about an hour or two.

When I found out I had breast cancer, I immediately decided that I would have a double mastectomy. I also decided that I wanted to have my eggs frozen. I only have one ovary left and I have already gone through an incredible amount of chemotherapy. Therefore, my chances are already lower than a "normal" woman. A couple of weeks after my surgery, we found out that I would need more chemo, which would make my chances of having kids even lower. So we started working on getting my eggs frozen. The process for it is pretty simple. I met the doctor that would be doing my procedure, and I met the nurse that would be helping. The nurse taught me how to mix and inject all the medicine. What really sucked (sorry for that word mom) is that I would have to inject needles into my stomach twice a night. Once I heard that, I started freaking out a bit and questioning whether it was reaaalllyyyy worth it to freeze my eggs (I absolutely hate needles.) The first night I had to inject myself was definitely the worst. I had a little nurses station set up on the kitchen counter. I had all the needles, medicine, alcohol wipes and gauze laid out and ready to go. Time for the first shot. It took me about 45 minutes to stick that needle into my stomach. I was practically hyperventilating! My little sister offered to do it for me and I was like heeccckkkkkk no, you'd like that wouldn't you lol! But once I did the first shot, it actually wasn't that bad at all, I could hardly even feel it. The second shot was a breeze after that. 

Now, the side effects. At first I didn't really notice a difference, but a couple of days in I started to feel a bit crazy. I was overreacting about everything, I was having severe mood swings and I didn't even realize it until I was incredibly angry over nothing. Then I thought to myself, "hmmm you just got incredibly angry about nothing. Do you think this could possibly be a side effect of all the changes that are happening in your body right now?" Um yes. Absolutely. I looked up the side effects of egg freezing medication, and it said: "Side effects that women could experience: weight gain, abdominal discomfort, bloating and irritability. Because you're producing so many eggs, it's like getting a year's worth of PMS all at the same time." GREAT! That is absolutely awesome. So after I realized that, it wasn't as bad because I was aware of it and therefore able to control it a little bit better. I have to admit though, sometimes I really did have to remind myself to be nice to people and not get upset so easily. (I'm sorry to everyone I've snapped at over the past few weeks! Especially my mom! I love you all!!!!!)

After 10 days of injections, constant ultrasounds and blood tests, I finally got to do the trigger shot. The trigger shot is basically the medicine that gets my matured eggs ready to be taken out. The day the nurse told me I can inject myself with the trigger shot, she also told me that I needed to inject it into my arm. Cue the freaking out again. "It'll be just like a vaccine shot!" she said. "Vaccine shots hurt so much!!!! Why would you say that?!" I responded. She started laughing with my mom. "It's not funny!!!" I said. They thought I was hilarious, but once again I was completely serious. It was bad enough sticking needles into my stomach, now I had to stick a needle into my arm!

Last night I had to inject the trigger shot into my arm and that was another long process. It wasn't as bad as the first night though. This time it only took about 20 minutes! The needle was so long, I was convinced it would hit my bone. After pretending I was about to inject myself for 20 minutes, I finally did it. Once again, it wasn't so bad! At this point I was convinced I should just go and be a doctor. Injecting myself in my arm hurt way less than when the doctors and nurses did it. I was extremely sore today and a little bit bruised, but the worst of it is over. Tomorrow when I wake up from the procedure, I'll be able to relax and take it easy for the rest of the day and not worry about giving myself any more shots (Thank goodness.)

While I am moving forward, I can't help but think about my past and the ten years in between cancer. The ten years that I was healthy. Am I proud of who I am today? Have I lived life to the fullest? Do I have any regrets? What can I do to make my life better and more fulfilling? How can I be better? What can I do differently to reach my goals?  While there are some things that I could've done differently, I am proud of who I am today. I believe I have been living life to the fullest. I haven't always made the best decisions, but I don't have any regrets. Everything that's happened has helped shaped me into the person I am today and I love the person I am. My perspective on life was already different because of my first time having cancer, but now, having it for a second time, I can truly see what matters. 

Now I am lying here in bed thinking about the future. Going and freezing your eggs will definitely do that to you lol. But here I am, thinking about my possible future kids. I won't be able to breast feed them myself, and that saddens me a bit, but at least I will be alive to even have them. I feel so blessed to have that chance.

That's it for this post! I truly appreciate you giving me an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. This is my journal and I am so thankful for your support. Have a beautiful night and thank you for reading :) As always, thank you for taking a chance on me and taking a chance on my music.


~Bianca Muñiz