I'm going to be honest with you, I had a pretty rough night last night.
Yesterday I went in to receive my 9th chemo, and found out that my blood count was too low to receive treatment. The doctors really didn't want to give me neupogen shots (immune boosters) since I've already had an incredible amount of chemo in my life, for fear of an increased chance of leukemia. I was so incredibly bummed out. I had planned out the next couple of months around the fact that I was supposed to have chemo every Friday for 12 weeks. Then, later in the day I got emails from my credit card bills saying my payments were coming up. Oh my goodness, cue the panic attack. I've only been working once a week teaching voice and piano lessons at guitar center for a couple of hours. I'm not able to work more than that because of how tired I am, but my bills are piling up and I started feeling like I was drowning and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I texted my mom explaining my fears and what was going on and she said we'd figure it out.
Last night I was so exhausted, everything finally broke me and I had a mini meltdown. I was freaking out about money and paying my bills, my music, my future, my looks. I felt like I had finally lost it; but thanks to the help of my loving boyfriend and my parents, I have picked myself up again and am moving forward. I am making a plan because that's what I do when s**t gets tough (sorry for my language mom.)
This morning, I felt a little bit guilty that I had let myself feel that badly and had to lean on people, but you know what? It's okay. It's okay to not be okay sometimes, and that is something that I keep reminding myself. Sometimes you need to lean on the people that care about you the most in order to move forward. I am here, I am alive, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am talented, I am loved and I need to remember these things. I need to embrace these things and embrace myself for who I am today and everyday.
I need to love myself, and I do love myself; but sometimes we can let the bad stuff get the best of us.
I want to thank you all for your support and love, you will never know how much it means to me. I appreciate you so much.