I'M CRACKING MYSELF WIDE OPEN...
January 3, 2023I am on a journey of cracking myself wide open.
My last blog was written and published on March 9th 2021 and so much has happened since then….
I spent a life-changing month in Iceland with my partner and when I got back I had lung surgery and was diagnosed with lung cancer.
If you’ve been in my life for a while, you might already know about my mutation - TP53/otherwise known as Li Fraumeni Syndrome. In short, it basically means my tumor suppressing gene is broken, which makes me susceptible to almost every type of cancer.
Lung Cancer was my third cancer.
I had a segmentectomy (a piece of my left lung removed). The recovery was awful. It felt like I was trapped in my own body in a way I had never experienced before. The pain was the worst I had ever felt. Every breath felt like a battle. It took me months to be able to take a deep breath again, and the relief once I was able to do that was indescribable.
A few months after Lung surgery, I recorded and shot the “Nothing‘s The Same” music video, which basically tells the story of my journey with Breast Cancer. My sister, Jacks, shaved my head in the video. For the past 2 years, I’ve been regrowing my hair.
Goodness, shaving my head and regrowing my hair was so healing and triggering all at the same time. The moment I shaved my head, I felt so empowered…like I was taking something back from cancer. Every time I’ve had a buzzed head, it’s because I was forced to by chemo… but this time it was my own decision.
Moments after the empowered feeling faded, I felt like I had made a huge mistake…I looked in the mirror and had flashbacks to chemo and cancer. So I decided to OWN it… I made it into my own… I bleached my hair, I dyed it lavender, I tried new hairstyles as it grew back, and slowly I healed myself and my strange attachment to my hair and the way it made me feel about myself.
I’m not saying it was a linear line to healing, because there were so many moments where I felt unattractive due to societal expectations and standards.. however by doing this for myself, it taught me that it’s all BS and none of it matters. All that matters is how I feel about myself ✨
*I won’t tell you to shave your head, however it was a very liberating experience for me. Being able to explore different parts of myself has been amazing. We are not our hair, or our physical appearances, no matter what we are taught to believe*
Okay so now the timeline is moving past the hair and past the Nothing’s the same music video into the beginning of 2022…
I moved to Pennsylvania! I started a new job at AnaOno Intimates as the Social Media Director and it was the best thing I could’ve done.
AnaOno is a lingerie + apparel company, founded by a fellow breast cancer survivor when she couldn’t find clothing to fit her (re)newed body post-breast cancer.
Being able to serve + give back to the breast cancer community as my full-time job has been so fulfilling. I’ve had a hard time staying committed to jobs in the past because I didn’t feel like I was filling up my soul. None of it felt like it mattered…Capitalism UGH
However, being able to support the cancer community is everything to me. I am so grateful to have this opportunity (and it definitely doesn’t hurt that I am finally able to have my own apartment and I live closer to my partner + his family)
Living alone has been a life-long goal for me. I’ve always been surrounded by people, which has made it hard for me to figure out who I truly am, by myself. This is the first time I’ve been able to decorate my own space (more than just a bedroom)… the first time I’ve been able to cook + buy food and not be worried that it’ll still be there when I get back… the first time I’ve been able to fully make my own schedule + routine and not worry about anyone else’s… a lot of firsts.
It’s also opened my eyes to bad habits and mean critics I have had living inside my brain, which is what I have been cracking myself open from.
I am a fully creative being, in more than just music. But I haven’t been living up to my full abilities because I’ve been afraid.
Afraid that I’m not good enough
Afraid that it’s too late for me
Afraid to try
But what’s more scary than not being good enough is not trying and never knowing..so I’ve made it my mission to create something every day. I started doing this during my most recent surgery in December 2022. (I had revision surgery to go from under the muscle implants to over the muscle implants due to pain + discomfort, but I’ll talk about this in a different post.)
During my surgery recovery, I started learning Ableton + how to produce music. I spend just a little bit every day learning something new, whether it’s 5 minutes or 2 hours, the goal is just to do a little bit with no expectations of it being good or ever putting it out into the world.
Now that I’m home and working again, I’ve continued this new journey of creating every day, but I’ve expanded it. It doesn’t have to be only Ableton or music production, it could be painting, photography, playing my guitar, or the piano….whatever is calling me in that moment, that is what I’ll do.
Create.
2023 is the year I am cracking myself wide open.
I’ll be releasing music that I’ve been working on for a few years now and have been too afraid, or too much of a “perfectionist” to finish + put out into the world. But enough of that.
Life is too short to be afraid
Having had cancer three times now has taught me that. Every time I’m diagnosed, I learn something new…with every surgery I gain a little bit more of a new perspective…
All this to say, hello.
My name is Bianca
And I’m so excited to be here and sharing my art with the world.
xox
~Bianca Muñiz